Criminal Brocedure: Woman accused of orally raping man inside his house??

Arbroath:   Rebecca Helen Elder, 39, of Parkside, appeared in the District Court this morning.  She pleaded not guilty to one count of aggravated serious criminal trespass in a place of residence, and one count of rape. Prosecution documents, filed with the court, allege both offences took place at a suburban location between September 20 and September 23 last year. At trial, prosecutors will allege Elder broke into a house while its male occupant - who cannot be named - was lawfully on the premises.  They will further allege she broke in with the intention of committing a further offence of rape.  Finally, prosecutors will allege Elder raped the man by performing an act of oral sex without his consent.


CARBROZO, C.J. (Majority Opinion, 9-0)
How is this even possible? BJs are like dog sniffs, they don't require consent. Just sit back and let it happen cuz you aren't getting your money back.  Oh, it was free... even better.  Case dismissed.

BRONNAN, J. (Concurring)
The majority reasoning dismisses blowies as not a forceable act.  I, too, believe that the case should be tossed; however, the majority is overlooking the possible interpretation of this decision by the public.  Guy on girl: bad; girl on guy: okay?  Is this the social agenda we want to promote.

brO'CONNOR, J. (Concurring, Dissenting with BRONNAN's concurrence)
I also agree with the majority outcome.  I would like to contest Bronnan's opinion.  I would LOVE this social agenda.  Please, any female reading this,  you are hereby encouraged to surprise men with beejs.  Also, by looking at the perp, we can determine as a matter of fact she is at least a 3, probably a 5 or 6 (see Chick Rating Scale, attached).  FRCB Rule 301(c)(1) (BJs, The After) suggests that a bro should not be ashamed of fellatio received from a female who is above a 3 on the aforementioned scale.  For that reason, and the majority's, this case should be dismissed and the party pressing charges should be submitted to tests for potentially contracting the gay.

Know Your Rights: The Fifth

CARBROZO, C.B. -- What we have here is a textbook case of drinking a fifth, then pleading the fifth.  While the Supreme Team doesn't endorse drinking and driving, we are fans of the Constitution.  When cops push the limit of implied authority, it is in the best interest of society for bros to push back in a respectful and, more importantly, constitutional manner.  That being said, this bro must have been on his way to a party because there is no way any reasonable bro acting in concord with FRCB is: a) coherent/conscious, and b) operating a motor vehicle after exercising his right to join a party.

Know Your Law: Assault and Battery

Assault. Assault. Assault...
Battery.

The Friend Zone: Frustration of Purpose?

"The Friend Zone" is the bane of any bro's potential Friends With Benefits ("FWB") contract.  Sometimes, trying to be too smooth and slow playing your hand has devastating results, as evidenced by "Friend Zone" relegation.  Brocedural experts have attempted to tackle the question resulting from the recurring debacle: "Does relegation to the 'Friend Zone' frustrate a Friends With Benefits contract, entitling the afflicted bro to termination, or does it form an entirely new 'Straight Best Friend' contract?"

Note 1: Just as rhyme and reason are discarded when dealing with females, the notions of offer and acceptance are extremely blurry and thus set aside for analysis (see "No Means Yes" Clause).

Note 2: Before untangling the issue at hand, we must note that a standard FWB contract is governed by MOB Article 2 ("To be governed by the MOB, all that is required is that one or both parties is DTF...")

When constructing a valid Friends With Benefits contract, it is important to evaluate each party's capacity for formation (see FRCB 69: "Grass On Field, Play Ball").  Secondly, it is vital to determine whether the desired party to contract is a “reasonably prude(nt) person”.  Finally and most importantly, it is necessary that the subjective intents of the parties are the same.  As Carbrozo eloquently puts it, a "meeting of the minds usually equals a meeting of the genitals".

Despite strikingly similar spellings, "friend zone" and "end zone" have entirely different meanings.  If you manage to end up in the latter, you have scored; while if you find yourself in the prior, you will probably never score.

Know Your Rights: Police Blotter

Fennelly "got his pump on at the gym", literally.

Full Story Here - Police said an Iowa City man was witnessed masturbating in the workout room at the Scanlon Gym earlier this month.  Nine days later, when Fennelly was taken into custody, police discovered a small plastic baggie containing marijuana in his sock.  Fennelly has been charged with indecent exposure, a serious misdemeanor; and possession of marijuana - second offense, a misdemeanor.

Carbrozo -- I love a party, but Donald Fennelly's liberal interpretation of gym brocedure and brocedural morals offends even the chillest reasonable person.  There is nothing necessary or proper about this dude's gym etiquette.  These actions are clearly a violation of FRCB 1 (Act Like You Been There Before).  Everyone's phone has a camera or take a mental snapshot, bro.  I don't care if your spank bank is full, if she's so insane that you can't wait to get home it's called a locker room.

Fennelly cited Prosser's editorial on the "Rock Out With your Cock Out" rights as a defense for his transgression.  However, after carefully reviewing the history of that doctrine, the Supreme Team has decided that those rights were established on behalf of bros "indulging in mead".  Gyms are clearly an improper venue for the actions taken by Fennelly, and thus he shall be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

The brocedural lesson here is that the internet is free... pursue all the happiness you want with your door closed, curtains drawn, and your keyboard at a safe, but reachable distance.